What couples should do when they lost sexual desire.


We still love our partner, but we don’t know why, the passion has died down and we no longer feel the desire we once did. What should we do when we experience a decline in sexual desire? Does it indicate the end of the relationship?

When the relationship has lasted for many years, it is natural to experience a drop in libido. However, there are situations in which this may cause concern.

In these circumstances it is important to think things through. This is because a decline in sexual desire is quite different from no longer feeling love and attraction for your partner. We discuss this in more detail in this article.

Loss of sexual desire: don’t panic!

When you are no longer attracted to your partner, you tend to think back to the past. You keep thinking over and over again about your first times together or how exciting it was at the beginning.

However, as we all know, going back is impossible and can also cause anxiety and frustration. Relationships go through different phases and each one is beautiful in its own way.

When you are dating someone, everything is more exciting in the beginning because you don’t really know the person yet. The discovery process is fun in itself, but it is based on idealised expectations of our mind. For this reason, many relationships end after this process has been exhausted.

If you continue your relationship with your partner after all, it means that you liked the person you discovered. If you are still together, it is because beyond sex and physical attraction, you have a real connection of commitment and intimacy. Just like Robert Sternberg’s love triangle theory states.

Don’t get caught up in despondency or negative thoughts. You can’t be happy all the time; it’s perfectly natural to have doubts about the relationship, as it tends to change over time, just as you do. Just as it is normal for passion to wane or fluctuate over time.

What are the causes of the decline in sexual desire?

Before entering into “drama mode”, it may be useful to analyse the possible reasons for the decline in desire and passion.

There are many possibilities. However, being honest with ourselves will help us to avoid ruining the relationship and hurting ourselves and our partner.

Let us therefore look at some statements with which you can more or less identify. Let us repeat, first of all, as long as you are honest with yourself!

“I don’t feel the desire I used to, because I feel safe with my habits, my daily life”. Behind this statement is the fear of change.

“I have stopped giving my partner attention or showing him or her how much I love him or her with small gestures – after all, he or she knows that!”

“Work stresses me out, the strain of making ends meet puts me in a bad mood. My frustration ends up involving my partner as well”.

“I can’t cope with/ have decided to ignore our problems (there is little or no communication between us, he devotes all his energy to work, he has been unfaithful to me)”.

“I think I don’t love my partner anymore, but I continue to stay with him because it is more comfortable that way and I am afraid of loneliness”.

As you can see, the possibilities are really many. Therefore, it is really essential that you ask yourself how your relationship is going. Obviously, do this in a calm moment, not after an argument.

In addition, take into account the fact that there may be a lot of resistance within you, which prevents you from exploring the topic further. For example, denying it will prevent you from assessing the couple’s situation objectively. Avoiding the problem becomes counterproductive, as it leads to greater discomfort.

Couple’s therapy

If, despite everything, you are unable to resolve the decline in passion on your own, couples therapy can really help. It may seem like overkill or cause you a sense of shame, but in many cases it is the only way to save the relationship. However, it is always necessary to do some preliminary work.

This is to stop blaming your partner for the situation. You need to open your eyes and not look at things from one point of view. You need to keep an open mind and analyse the facts from a different perspective and not just think ‘I don’t want this anymore’.

Once this is done, you can work with the psychologist. Similarly, it must be taken into account that therapy requires maintaining a high level of honesty, both with the partner and with the specialist. If you are not honest, you will not be able to help resolve the situation.

Published by Ernest I.

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